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Sunday evening Schenkweg 138 (near Ryn station)
It is true I wrote you only yesterday, but I thought I would
write you again. For though I still have a dose of courage
left, it is sometimes very hard always to show a good face to
Mauve and Tersteeg and others. Yet I must, for though I do not
pretend to be carefree, I need not tell them all the details
and particulars. But it happens often enough that I am quite at
a loss as to what to do.
Well, there are a lot of things which I still want to or
have to improve; of course it needn't all be done at once, but
daily it causes small expenses which, added together, worry me
a great deal. Sometimes my clothes need repairing, and Mauve
has already given me a few hints about that too, which I shall
certainly carry out; but it cannot all be done at once.
And sometimes one involuntarily becomes terribly depressed,
if only for a moment, often just when one is feeling cheerful,
as I really am even now. That's what happened this morning;
these are evil hours when one feels quite helpless and faint
with overexertion. I think it was really because I had arranged
with Mauve about what I would do with a model out-of-doors, and
then all at once I thought, Perhaps I cannot do it because in
two days I shall not have a cent left, and than Mauve will
think I was afraid. So I got up again to write you once more
because I felt so anxious. Having to think about too many other
things against my will hampers me so much in my work; even when
I am in front of my model, I do not know how I shall pay him or
whether I shall be able to go on the next day or not. And I
must, I must be calm and quiet in order to work - it is
difficult enough anyhow. And especially now I must keep up my
spirits; but I felt so clearly this morning that my strength
was failing me, not my ardour or my courage, and therefore I'm
telling you once more.
I can quite imagine that you also have your difficulties,
but I think some arrangement might be made with Tersteeg which
would settle everything.
Now that I can work at Pulchri with a model two evenings a
week, perhaps four days with the model would be enough if
necessary; and now I have found that old woman, it needn't be
so expensive as it was at first when I had a new one every day.
For I have already had several models, but they are either too
expensive or they think it's too far to come here, or they make
objections afterward and do not come back. But I think I have
hit on the right one in this old woman.
Yesterday I had a lesson from Mauve on drawing hands and
faces so as to keep the colour transparent. Mauve knows things
so thoroughly, and when he tells you something, he exerts
himself and doesn't just say it to hear himself talk; and I
exert myself to listen carefully and to put it into practice.
Yesterday I told Mauve again that it was so necessary for me to
earn something, but I will not ask him for money, as he gives
me something that is much better than money; and besides, he
has already helped me with my furniture, and that is more than
Now that I have written you, I will set to work again
tomorrow full of confidence. When you were in Etten last
summer, you spoke about my working in watercolours. At that
point I didn't even know how to start it. Now the light is
beginning to dawn, and in spite of everything, the sun is
Well, adieu, Theo, receive a handshake in thought and
Yours sincerely, Vincent
At this time, Vincent was 28 year old
Vincent van Gogh. Letter to Theo van Gogh. Written 22 January 1882 in The Hague. Translated by Mrs. Johanna van Gogh-Bonger, edited by Robert Harrison, number 172.
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