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Dear Theo,
Thanks for your letter that arrived today, I am very busy
and write in a hurry. I gave your letter to Uncle Jan, he sends
you his greetings and thanks for it.
When I think of the past, - when I think of the future of
almost invincible difficulties, of much and difficult work,
which I do not like, which I, or rather my evil self, would
like to shirk; when I think the eyes of so many are fixed on
me, - who will know where the fault is, if I do not succeed,
who will not make me trivial reproaches, but as they are well
tried and trained in everything that is right and virtuous and
fine gold, they will say, as it were by the expression of their
faces: we have helped you and have been a light unto you, - we
have done for you what we could, have you tried honestly? what
is now our reward and the fruit of our labour? See! when I
think of all this, and of so many other things like it, too
numerous to name them all, of all the difficulties and cares
that do not grow less when we advance in life, of sorrow, of
disappointment, of the fear of failure, of disgrace, - then I
also have the longing - I wish I were far away from
everything!
There is written: “Lift up the hands which hang down,
and the feeble knees,” and when the disciples had worked
all night and had not caught any fish, they were told “go
out into the deep and cast your nets again into the
sea.”
And God sees the trouble and the sorrow and He can help in
spite of all. The faith in God is firm in me - it is no
imagination, no idle faith - but it is so, it is true, there is
a God Who is alive and He is with our parents and His eye is
also upon us, and I am sure He plans our life and we do not
quite belong to ourselves as it were - and this God is no other
than Christ of Whom we read in our Bible and Whose word and
history is also deep in our heart. If I had only given all my
strength to it before, yes, I should have been further now, -
but even now He will be a strong support, and it is in His
power to make our lives bearable, to keep us from evil, to let
all things contribute towards a good end, to make our end
peaceful.
There is much evil in the world and in ourselves, terrible
things, and one does not need to be far advanced in life, to be
in fear of much and to feel the need of a firm faith in life
hereafter, and to know that without faith in God one cannot
live, one cannot bear it. But with that faith one can go on for
a long time.
When I found myself in front of the corpse of Aerssen the
calmness and dignity and solemn silence of death contrasted
with us, who still live, to such an extent, that we all felt
the truth Of what his daughter said with such simplicity:
“he is freed from the burden of life, which we have to go
on bearing.” And yet we are so much attached to the old
life, because next to our despondent moods we have our happy
moments when heart and soul rejoice, like the lark that cannot
keep from singing in the morning, even though the soul
sometimes sinks within us and is fearful. And the memories of
all we have loved stay and come back to us in the evening of
our life. They are not dead but sleep, and it is well to gather
a treasure of them.
A handshake and write soon to
Your loving brother, Vincent
At this time, Vincent was 24 year oldSource: Vincent van Gogh. Letter to Theo van Gogh. Written 30 May 1877 in Amsterdam. Translated by Mrs. Johanna van Gogh-Bonger, edited by Robert Harrison, number 098. URL: https://www.webexhibits.org/vangogh/letter/6/098.htm.
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