Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh (23 July 1883) ... Dear brother,
Since I wrote you yesterday, I could not shake off an
anxious, restless feeling, and it kept me awake last night.
It is, Shall I be able to go on or not? - that, in short, is
why I'm worrying.
You have the photographs now, and you will be able to
imagine my state of mind better with those in front of you than
before you saw them. The drawings I make now are only a shadow
of my intentions - but the shadow which already has a definite
shape, and which I seek, which I aim at, is not vague, but
consists of things taken from full reality, which can only be
mastered by patient and regular work. The idea of working in
fits and starts is a nightmare to me. Nobody can work without
money; I think it's right to work with as little as possible,
but the thought of being left absolutely without what's
strictly necessary would make anybody depressed and
melancholy.
Oh, Theo, the work brings its troubles and cares, but what
is it in comparison to the misery...
Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh (27 July 1883) ... all his life, he will be cleverer than I.
Now what shall we say about the fact that at times one feels
there is a certain fatality which makes the good turn out wrong
and the bad turn out well.
I think one may consider these thoughts partly the
consequence of overwrought nerves, and if one has them, one
must not think it one's duty to believe that things are really
as gloomy as one supposes; if one did, it would make one mad.
On the contrary, it is reasonable to one's physique then, and
later set to work like a man; and even if that doesn't help,
one must still always continue to use those two means, and
consider such melancholy fatal. Then in the long run one will
feel one's energy increase, and will bear up against the
troubles.
Mysteries remain, and sorrow or melancholy, but that eternal
negative is balanced by the positive work which is thus
achieved after all. If life were as simple, and things as
little complicated as a goody-goody's story or the hackneyed
...
Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh (c. 15 September 1883) ... it makes my heart melt inside.
How much sadness
there is in life, nevertheless one must not
get melancholy, and one must seek distraction in other things,
and the right thing is to work, but there are moments when one
only finds rest in the conviction: “Misfortune will not
spare me either.”
Goodbye, write soon and believe me,
Ever yours, Vincent
...
Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh (c. 26 September 1883) ...
As I feel the need to speak out frankly, I cannot hide from
you that I am overcome by a feeling of great anxiety,
depression, a je ne sais quoi of discouragement and despair
more than I can tell. And if I cannot find comfort, it will be
too overwhelming.
Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh (c. 27 September 1883) ... was better again, so I went out to
paint. But it was impossible, I was missing four or five
colours, and I came home so miserable. I am sorry to have
risked myself so far without a sufficient supply. I know from
experience how it ends when one undertakes such an expedition,
without knowing whether one will get an answer to, or whether
people will listen to, reasonable, rational demands.
You remember, perhaps, how it was with me in the Borinage.
Well, I am rather afraid it would be the same thing here all
over again, and I must have some security before I risk myself
further, otherwise I shall go back (Oh, you know, that's what I
say, but I really want to stay). I did not see any good at the
time, nor do I now, in reaching such a point of destitution, in
literally having no roof over my head, in having to wander and
wander forever like a tramp, without finding either rest or
food or covering anywhere - besides, without any possibility of
working.
See for yourself how...
