Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh (c. 26 September 1883) ...
As I feel the need to speak out frankly, I cannot hide from
you that I am overcome by a feeling of great anxiety,
depression, a je ne sais quoi of discouragement and despair
more than I can tell. And if I cannot find comfort, it will be
too overwhelming.
Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh (c. 27 September 1883) ... was better again, so I went out to
paint. But it was impossible, I was missing four or five
colours, and I came home so miserable. I am sorry to have
risked myself so far without a sufficient supply. I know from
experience how it ends when one undertakes such an expedition,
without knowing whether one will get an answer to, or whether
people will listen to, reasonable, rational demands.
You remember, perhaps, how it was with me in the Borinage.
Well, I am rather afraid it would be the same thing here all
over again, and I must have some security before I risk myself
further, otherwise I shall go back (Oh, you know, that's what I
say, but I really want to stay). I did not see any good at the
time, nor do I now, in reaching such a point of destitution, in
literally having no roof over my head, in having to wander and
wander forever like a tramp, without finding either rest or
food or covering anywhere - besides, without any possibility of
working.
See for yourself how...
Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh (c. 3 October 1883) ... For I had had paint sent from Furnée, as I thought on
the subject like you wrote in your letter, that by absorbing
myself in my work, and quite losing myself in it, my mood would
change, and it has already greatly improved.
But at times - like those moments when you think of going to
America - I think of enlisting for the East Indies; but those
are miserable, gloomy moments, when one is overwhelmed by
things, and I could wish you might see those silent moors,
which I see here from the window, for such a thing calms one
down, and inspires one to more faith, resignation,
steady work. In the barge I drew several studies, but I stayed
a while here to paint some. I am quite near Zweeloo, where,
among others, Liebermann has been; and besides, there is a part
here where you still find large, very old turf huts, that have
not even a partition between the stable and the living room. I
intend first of all to visit that part one of these days.
But what tranquillity, what...
Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh (12 October 1883) ... is - your place no longer knows
you.
I felt too melancholy
to try to redress things, and I do not
remember ever having been in a mood to speak about it to
anybody the way I do to you now. Because, to my surprise, in
your letter I read the words, “The gentlemen made things
almost impossible when I spoke to them this week,” and I
never for a moment had supposed they would dare treat you as
they did me. My dear boy, you know how things are with me, but
if you are feeling miserable about one thing and another, don't
feel alone. It is too much to bear alone,
and in part, at least, I can sympathize with you.
Now, stick to your point, and don't let your grief let you
lose your head; if the gentlemen behave like that, then stand
on your honour, and do not accept your dismissal except on
conditions which guarantee your getting a new situation.
Don't fly into a rage, they are not worth that, though
they incite you to it. I flew...
Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh (c. 29-2 Oct-Nov 1883) ... do that,
no more than commit suicide.
I too have my moments of deep melancholy, but I say again,
both you and I ought to regard the idea of disappearing or
making oneself scarce as becoming neither you nor me.
And notwithstanding all, one should take the risk of going
on, even when one feels that it is impossible, of
going on with the desperate feeling that it will end in
disappearance - but on the other hand, in our consciences there
is that “beware!!!”
Should I be mistaken - should my presentiment be at variance
with the facts, about which I ask you the question, Have they a
decidedly desperate aspect or not? - very well, then I am
willing to believe your simple assurance, I expect things to
come out right, or some such words, as soon as you write me
that.
In the event of your being faced with a fait accompli in one
of those venomous crises such as Paris and London produce - if
this is so definitely to be expected that...
