| | 14 letters relate to feelings - despair... | Excerpt length: shorter longer | |
| Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh
(2 May 1889)
... matter what, painting included.
But the money painting costs crushes me with a feeling of
debt and worthlessness, and it would be a good thing if it were
possible that this should stop.
Besides, I have said once and for all, if at present there
is a decision to be made, it is better that you and M. Salles
should make it for me. And mind, I shan't say No to anything,
not even to going to St. Rémy, in spite of the
obstacles of higher terms than we had hoped for, and of not
having full liberty to go outside to paint. We really must
decide, because they cannot keep me here indefinitely.
I told the manager that I'd be glad to pay them 60 francs,
for instance, instead of 45 if I could stay here
indefinitely.
But their terms are fixed, it appears.
So although up till now nobody has said anything to me, I
think it would be right to go. I might go and stay again at the
night café, where I have stored my furniture,
but...I should be in daily contact... | Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh
(22 August 1889)
... what it will mean for my painting.
I no longer see any possibility of having courage or
hope, but after all, it wasn't just yesterday that we found
this job of ours wasn't a cheerful one.
All the same I am pleased that you have got the package from
here: the landscapes. Thank you especially for this etching
after Rembrandt. 2 It is amazing, and yet it reminds
me once more of the man with the staff in the Lacaze Gallery.
If you want to give me very, very great pleasure, then send a
copy to Gauguin. Further, the brochure on Rodin and Claude
Monet is very interesting.
This new attack, my dear brother, took me in the fields, on a
windy day, when I was painting. I will send you the
canvas, which I nevertheless finished .
And truly it was a more sober attempt, mat in colour without
showing it, in broken greens, and reds and rusty yellow ochre,
just as I told you that sometimes I felt a great desire to
begin again with a palette as of the North. I'll send you this
... | Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh
(3 or 4 September 1889)
... I haven't had any luck here
either.
Perhaps I exaggerate in the misery of my having been bowled
over by my illness again - but I am sort of afraid.
You will say - as I say to myself too - that the fault must
be within me and not in the circumstances or in other people.
Anyway, it is not pleasant.
M. Peyron has been kind to me and he has much experience. I
do not doubt that he speaks and judges correctly.
But has he come to any conclusion - has he written you
anything definite? And possible?
You see that I am in a very bad humour, things aren't going
well. Then I feel like a fool going and asking doctors
permission to make pictures. Besides, it is to be hoped that if
sooner or later I get a certain amount better, it will be
because I have recovered through working, for it is a thing
which strengthens the will and consequently leaves these mental
weaknesses less hold.
My dear brother, I wanted to write better than this, but
things aren't going very well.... | Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Mr. and Mrs. Ginoux
(30 or 31 December 1889)
... want to be completely recovered tomorrow.
I assure you that last year I almost hated the idea of
regaining my health - of only feeling somewhat better for a
shorter or longer time - always living in fear of relapses - I
almost hated the idea, I tell you - so little did I feel
inclined to begin again. Often I said to myself that I
preferred that there be nothing further, that this be the end.
Ah well - it would seem that we are not the masters of this -
of our existence - it seems that what matters is that one
should learn to want to go on living, even when suffering. Oh,
I feel so cowardly in this respect; even when my health has
returned, I am still afraid. So who am I to encourage others,
you will say, for actually this is my style. Well, it is only
to tell you, my dear friends, that I hope so ardently, and even
dare believe that Mrs. Ginoux's illness will be of very short
duration, and that she will rise from her sickbed a much
stronger fellow, but she knows only too well... | Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh
(4 January 1890)
... some at the same time as this
letter.
For the moment I am overcome with discouragement, but since
this attack was over in a week, what's the use of thinking that
it may in fact come back again? First of all you do not know,
and cannot foresee, how or in what form.
Therefore let's go on with the work as long as it is
possible, as if nothing had happened. I shall soon have an
opportunity to go out when the weather is not too cold and then
I have rather set my heart on trying to finish the work I have
begun here.
I must do some more canvases of cypresses and mountains to
give an idea of Provence.
The “Ravine” and another canvas
of mountains, with a road in the foreground are typical of
it.
And the “Ravine” especially, which I still have
here because it is not dry. And the view of the park, too, with
the pines. It has taken me all my time to observe the character
of pines, cypresses, etc., in the pure air here, lines which do
... |
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