This time I have to tell you something about a visit from
Mr. Tersteeg. This morning he came here and saw Sien and the
children. I could have wished that he had shown a kind face to
a young little mother just out of childbed. But that was asking
Dear Theo, he spoke to me in a way which you can perhaps
“What was the meaning of that woman and that
“How could I think of living with a woman, and
children into the bargain?”
“Wasn't it just as ridiculous as driving my own
four-in-hand all over town?”
To which I answered that this was certainly quite a
“Had I gone mad? It was certainly the result of an
unsound mind and temperament.”
I told him that I had just received the most reassuring
information from persons more competent than he, namely the
physicians at the hospital, as much about the condition of my
body as about the power of my mind to stand exertion.
So he jumped from one thing to another, brought in my father
and, just fancy, even my uncle at Prinsenhage!!!
He would do something about it. He would write.
Dear Theo, for the woman's sake, for my own, I restrained
myself, I kept my temper. I answered his, in my opinion, too
indiscreet questions curtly and dryly, perhaps a little too
mildly; but I preferred being too mild to losing my temper. By
and by he calmed down a little. I asked him if it wouldn't be
ridiculous if the people at home received an indignant letter
from him, and then soon after a kind request from me to come
and visit me at my expense, so as to speak about the same
matter. That was not without effect. At least he looked up and
asked, “Did I intend to write myself?”
“Need you ask?” said I. “Of course I will,
but you must admit that now is a very inopportune moment, as
they are in the bustle of moving at home, 1 and as
the woman's condition is such that the least emotion might
bring about a prolapse of the womb which might be incurable. To
cause her any anxiety, strain or nervousness now would be
Oh! then of course he would not write, but again he talked
about my being just as foolish as a man who wanted to drown
himself, and his wanting to save me from it. I said that I did
not doubt his good intentions, and therefore I tried not to be
angry at his words, though such a conversation was very
disagreeable to me. And at last, because I showed that I
definitely wanted to avoid further discussion, he went
I told him only that I had written you all about it. That
calmed him somewhat.
I tried to draw his attention to the drawings, but he just
looked around and said, “Oh! Those are the old
ones.” There were some new ones, but he did not seem to
notice them. Well, you know you have most of the new ones, and
C. M. has some of them, etc. he was hasty in everything; he was
sure of just one thing: I was a fool and everything I did was
I ask you, how is it possible to talk to anyone who acts
like that, and what can be the use of it? It is just what I am
afraid of, unsympathetic, domineering, indelicate and
indiscreet meddling in my most intimate and private affairs. No
man will stand for that. So though I did not lose my temper, I
am very angry with Mr. Tersteeg, and will have nothing to do
with him nor speak with him again as long as he is in that
policeman-like mood. I am writing you about it at once.
You know, I will not hide from you that for Sien and for the
little child and for myself it is desirable that such scenes do
not occur again. Upsetting the woman is the same thing as
dealing her a hard blow. I cannot repeat this often
enough. After all, she is weak and very sensitive. A little
thing may spoil her milk, and even cause far worse things, at
least during the next six weeks.
I think he is capable of causing all kinds of miseries
through his untimely interference. Can't his causing trouble
and worry at home and at Prinsenhage (and Prinsenhage has
nothing, absolutely nothing to do with it) be stopped??? I am
on good terms with Father and Mother now, and who knows but
that he will spoil everything again? I shall write myself as
soon as possible, but how confoundedly mean it is of Tersteeg
to make so much trouble. And over whom? - a poor weak woman
only a few weeks out of childbed. I think it mean, but he does
not feel that way about it; with him it is always, always the
same thing, money. It seems he knows and worships no
other god. Personally, I feel that one must be good and kind to
women, children and the weak; I have a sort of respect for
them, I am moved by them.
Then he uttered one other abusive remark - I should make
that woman unhappy, etc. I said he was not capable of judging
this now, and I asked him not to repeat such a thing. Sien
loves me and I love Sien; we can and will live together on what
I should otherwise have lived on alone - we will save and
economize in all respects and as much as possible - you know
well enough I have already told you this.
At least you know more about the matter than Tersteeg, but
you know Sien too little to understand how much we love each
other, and how well we get on together. I cannot repeat to you
often enough, brother, how my whole future depends on it. For a
man may recover once from disappointment and injury in love -
and in his business and plans. But that must not happen too
often. Now I have recovered or am recovering in body and soul,
and so is Sien, but it might be fatal if we were knocked on the
head again, so to speak. But there is an understanding between
Sien and me; in the extreme case of their trying to force us,
that is, if we cannot live here together, we will at least
leave the country together. The chances of certain death are
ten to one if one has no money and is not strong, but we would
prefer that to being separated. So just think it over and try
to prevent, if you possibly can, my being thwarted too much by
Tersteeg or other persons.
I myself am not yet so strong that I can defend myself the
way I could at another time. By and by, very slowly, I must
become absorbed in my work again, but I really cannot stand
visits like the one this morning.
If Tersteeg and others had their own way, they would of
course tear Sien and me apart. That is what they want, and they
would not hesitate at violence. Our staying together depends
entirely on the monthly allowance from you. For myself, I would
refuse your allowance if you took Tersteeg's view. I will not
leave Sien; I should be a broken man without her, and then I
should also be ruined in my work and everything; then I should
never get over it, and not wanting to be a nuisance or trouble
to you any longer, I should say, Theo, I am a broken man, and
everything is lost; it's no use your helping me any more.
Living with the woman, I have good courage, and then I
say, The money from you will make a good painter of me. With
Sien I shall work with all my strength and energy, but without
her I shall have to give up. So that's the way things are.
You have proved you understood me more and have treated me
infinitely better than others did so often. I hope it will be
the same this time.
In many respects there is real sympathy between you and me,
and it seems to me, Theo, that all your trouble and all my
trouble will not be in vain. You have always helped me. I have
continued working, and now while I am recovering, I feel that
new forces are developing. See, I think, what is between you
and me is more serious than Tersteeg's anger, and cannot be
spoiled by his or others' interference. But to keep order and
peace we must try to stop this interference quietly. You must
excuse my being rather upset by it. It was the first painful
hour for Sien and me since our return from the hospital. But we
shall not mind it any more if you still approve of us, and we
shall not allow ourselves to be upset by it.
Write us soon, for I am anxiously awaiting a letter from
you. I will not let my mind be filled with care and anxiety
because my recovery depends on my remaining calm. Otherwise I
am pretty well; the woman and the child are so good, so quiet
and dear that one cannot fail to be cheered by it. But Sien
seemed to wither when she heard Tersteeg talk, and so did
Now, because of Tersteeg, I should like to send my letter to
Father and Mother a little sooner, though I should have
preferred to wait until later. As soon as you have sent the
money, about the twentieth, I shall write home, but I would
much rather have waited until they had moved and Sien had quite
recovered. And even now I should much rather wait, but I am
afraid Tersteeg will beat me to it. Sending Father the money
for the journey is a proof of my good will, I think, and a
little attention which I hope will make them understand that I
So write soon, and if this might bind us more firmly
together, brother, and cause us to understand each other better
and have more confidence in each other instead of being
separated by Tersteeg's interference, or anyone else's, then I
do not regret this morning's incident.
Whatever he is to others - and I am quite willing to believe
that he is a better man at heart - to me he is unsupportable.
If Tersteeg were to get his way, I should be unhappy and lost.
I believe he would look on quite cold-bloodedly while Sien was
drowning or some such thing, not lifting a finger, and say it
was beneficial to civilized society.
As long as I drown at the same time, I don't care. But we
felt distinctly enough that her life and my life are as one,
when we met again in that hospital by the side of the baby's
Hello, brother! what's all this? I should not give way to
such things. It is healthier to continue calmly thinking about
my work and getting better, and to go on quietly day by
There is love between her and me, and there are promises
of mutual faithfulness between her and me.
This is a thing, Theo, people ought not to meddle with, for
it is the most sacred thing in life.
Her wish and mine is that things will not take a dramatic
turn; we are too full of a new zest for life, too full of a
yearning for working and toiling not to do everything in our
power to avoid extremes.
But if there were many people, particularly yourself, who
felt the way Tersteeg does about us, things could not last;
ultimately they could only turn out miserably.
If all remains quiet, we shall continue our struggle here by
working, and though this may seem humdrum and commonplace, it
is far from easy; one needs courage and energy to attack things
vigorously and to persevere. We have got through the whole
winter, and with God's help we shall be able to carry on for a
bit. I say with God's help, because I am grateful to God, as
well as to you, for the help I have received, and am still
receiving, from you.
Tersteeg is an energetic man, but I hope he will not use his
energy to persecute Sien and me or anything of the kind.
Perhaps he will see for himself that he is not obliged to
interfere and will keep quietly out of things. After all, he
has no great liking for me, and as a matter of fact, he doesn't
care one way or another, but he does it because he thinks that
it will please Uncle Cent or Father and that he is rendering
them a service.
He does not consider or spare my interests, my feelings, in
the least. He comes into my house, he looks at the woman - who
has her baby at her breast - with an expression in his eyes
that makes her crumble, and without one kind word to her (a
thing one does involuntarily to a young mother, even if one
does not know her), says to me, “Is this your model or is
she something else?” Look here, that is neither humane
I myself am not always polite to men, but in any case I
should make allowances for a weak little woman. He says nothing
about my drawings, about my studio, etc., but so much the more
about my uncle at Prinsenhage, in whom I am not the least bit
interested and with whom I have had no intercourse. And about
Father - taking it for granted a priori that I am on bad terms
with him, whereas things have been improving for quite a long
Enough of this - but, my dear fellow, write soon, for I
assure you, a kind letter from you does me more good than my
If in his haste Tersteeg
should blindly push on, he might cause a lot of mischief, of
this I am certain.
I repeat, I have no pretension to keeping up any social
standing or to living easily; all the expenses needed for the
woman are only what is necessary for her, and they must be met,
not by receiving more but by our economizing. That
economizing is no obstacle for us but a pleasure because of the
love between us. The feeling of recovery thrills her, as I am
thrilled by the urge to work again and to become absorbed in
it. She is a very sweet little mother, so simple, so touching -
if one only knows her. But there was an ugly expression of
pain, or I do not know what, on her face when she heard
Tersteeg talk to me and caught a few words. It may be that
Tersteeg acted that way because he was taken by surprise - but
I cannot think it right of him or quite excuse it.
Well, adieu, boy - I must tell you that when she is calm,
Sien becomes at once a little mother, so quiet, so delicate, so
touching, just like an etching or drawing or painting by
Feyen-Perrin. I am longing to draw again with her posing for
me. I long for her complete recovery and for mine, for peace
and quiet, and especially for some sympathy from you. Sien
sends you her regards, a handshake in thought and believe
Ever yours, Vincent
The Rev. Mr. Van Gogh had been called to the village of
Nuenen, and the family was to go there in September.
At this time, Vincent was 29 year old
Vincent van Gogh. Letter to Theo van Gogh. Written 19 July 1882 in The Hague. Translated by Mrs. Johanna van Gogh-Bonger, edited by Robert Harrison, number 216.
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